


Mixed feelings

by BrittaR (Taaya)



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Happy Ending, Hurt, Post-Episode: s02e04 The Girl in the Fireplace, Post-Episode: s02e05-06 Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel, Somehow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 22:19:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15650043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taaya/pseuds/BrittaR
Summary: After losing Mickey to another universe, Rose finally needs to confront her own feelings. And the Doctor.





	Mixed feelings

**Author's Note:**

> My own take on GitF, (also the moment I realized that as much as I found Mickey annoying, Rose didn't treat him very good)

She didn’t know why it hurt so much. Rose looked at the place in the main room where Mickey used to stand most of the time during their travels so that he would not get in the way. And now he was gone, off to this different universe. And it hurt. Like hell.

She didn’t love him anymore, she knew that. And she knew that he knew, even that he accepted it. Looking back he even dealt with it quite nicely. He tried to stay close to her, almost invited himself to travel with them, but he never tried to push her into being with him again. Maybe he had just missed his best friend? And she treated him like a dog. No, even worse. From the moment Sarah Jane implied that Mickey should travel with Rose and the Doctor instead of her, Rose made him feel unwanted. And even that he tolerated without the smallest grain of salt. Mickey had even been there for her after France, comforted her. But in the end that was the turning point of their relationship, she had to admit. In that moment Mickey had realized that his place was not among them any longer. And Rose understood. She had changed and could no longer be the friend to him she once was. She would have gone, too, if their places had been switched. 

Still it hurt. In a selfish way. You always missed what you could not have, right? And Rose now missed the man who could annoy her enough to forget the pain. Who would just stand there and hold her while she felt like breaking down. He had given her something to keep her mind off the Doctor, had given them all an opportunity to ignore how cold the air around them had grown. How everything felt slightly different.

Now she had two different options. Either ignore her own feelings, just go on as usual, or talk to the Doctor. Ignoring meant that she would have to fake their usual easy camaraderie until it came to her naturally once more. And as much as Rose wished for things to go back to normal, she wasn’t sure if she was able to play her part in the process. 

Thing is, she didn’t even know what she could tell him. She had no right whatsoever to be angry. It wasn’t like he was her boyfriend, right? So when he fell in love with that arrogant french he didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t his fault that he’d assumed … Well. Anyway … she had nothing to be angry about or hurt by. And still she was angry. And hurt. And even more angry at herself for being angry at him. 

“Rose?” A voice startled her. When she looked up she saw the Doctor, two steaming mugs in his hands. 

She hadn’t even noticed that she still stared at the spot where Mickey used to stand around. 

“Thought you might … well…” He handed one mug over to her and Rose held it in her hands, staring again. This time pensively into the hot beverage. 

“Sorry ‘bout Mickey”, he continued. 

“Yeah”, Rose answered, stretching the vowels. It bought her time, if only seconds.

“Maybe I shouldn’t’ve let him on board. He would still be there when you got home if it weren’t for this …” 

“Nah. It’s better for him there in this other universe. He’d lost everything here. A car you can tinker with isn’t enough to hold on.” 

“He didn’t lose anything. He had you …” 

Rose snorted and turned. “He lost me a long time ago. And he knew. It just took time for him to finally let go. And I’m happy he finally could. Although I’ll miss him.”

The Doctor opened his mouth in a silent ‘oh’, but closed it without a single sound escaping.

Rose shrugged. “No, it’s been time for him to go. I’m just … sad I couldn’t apologize first, you know?” She finally took a sip. Good tea.

“For what?” 

God, he was so daft. Or he didn’t understand anything about human emotions. Maybe both. “For me treating him like he shouldn’t have come with us at all. For me using him as an easy comfort while breaking his heart every single minute of the day? I didn’t make him feel welcome. I should have. He still was my best friend. But …” 

“But…?”, the Doctor pressed the issue. Really being daft, then. “Hold on, you didn’t want him to come?”

“Of course I didn’t. I mean, things were going so well and we were … At least I thought we were … And I didn’t want him to … disturb. Or to rub it in his face. But turns out there wasn’t anything where he could disturb anyway.” She sighed. At least now she’d talked about it. Now it was up to him, somehow.

“We were what?”

“Yeah, ..that’s what I thought”, Rose muttered to herself. To her it seemed so real. And he could not even figure out what she had imagined to be between them.

“Rose?”

“A couple, right”, she yelled, finally, only to hang her head the next second. “I mean, I know we don’t … kiss, right. Or, god forbid, shag. But … I thought … That would be how being with a Time Lord works out. You don’t travel for such a long time and hug and laugh and ….share everything without being … something, right? Well, no, obviously not right. And then you fall in love with that stupid french, who’s arrogant enough to … call me child as if she’d be so much better than me.” She wasn’t. Rose knew that while Reinette would always be above her in Earth terms, when it came to accomplishments Rose was better. She saved the planet for god’s sake. Or at least helped. Lots of times. So in the great cosmos she was more important than a simple mistress of a king, no matter how big of a historical figure Reinette was. “And it’s alright for you to … find somebody, I know. And I’m truly sorry you lost her. I just wish … I wish I would have known earlier, you know? I mean it’s not like I would want to go back to being with Mickey. But maybe I wouldn’t have been such an asshole towards him.”

“I … I …”, the Doctor started, only to be interrupted again. 

“And I know that’s not your fault, either. And I shouldn’t be angry about it. Well, maybe a little, because you actually abandoned us right after you told me, you’d never do that to me, but even that I get. For the right person? For the love of your life? Who wouldn’t? Especially when it comes in a package with saving the timeline. But still I can’t help feeling hurt and angry and then there was Mickey comforting me, although I hurt him more than … I mean, I did the same to him. I didn’t leave him to starve and die on a spaceship, of course, but … Anyway. He was there for me although I treated him so badly. And all the while you lost her and I couldn’t be there for you and … I just feel terrible, okay. And … I should have apologized to him. For all of that. And now he’s gone, forever.” 

She sighed deeply, taking another sip. This time the Doctor was simply lost for words. How novel. “And all I can think about is that I wish he was here, to comfort me again, you know. And that’s awful. What kind of a person am I? But now I’m here and lost everything and … I don’t know how to keep going. I want us to get back to before, but … before was just in my head, too.”

“Wasn’t.” 

“‘Xcuse me, what?” 

“It wasn’t”, the Doctor said, louder this time. “In your head, I mean. I mean, I thought, you and Mickey still were … but it kinda felt like we were slowly progressing into ... “ 

“A couple?”, Rose asked, her voice dry and tired.

“Yes, that.” 

“And then Reinette came. And she was ... just the better person for you.” 

“Rose, no. We just snogged …” 

“You did what?”, she asked, her voice going all squeaky, but he just kept talking. 

“.. and danced, but …” 

“You DANCED?!” This time Rose was loud enough to catch his attention and found him looking at her. “Sorry, I just … I have no right to be … Good for you …”

“Oh, Rose. Not danced. Just danced. To music. I think she knew she couldn’t have me anyway. She would have liked but her place was with the King of France and I … I am … “ He sighed. “Kinda … taken.” 

“By whom?”

The Doctor blinked in confusion. “Weren’t you listening? I just told you that I felt that you and I …”

He had that ‘stupid ape’ tone in his voice again and if Rose was honest to herself, she had missed that. That new personality the Doctor now had was great. But sometimes she missed the old one. The one that was rude, too, but on a different level. She couldn’t help smiling. Until her brain kicked in. “Oh my god. You’re saying that you’re taken. That … I’m the one ... “ 

“Well, Mickey is no longer your boyfriend, right?” His eyes lit up with something Rose couldn’t name. Part jealousy, maybe, but something positive, too.

She nodded.

“So, well … maybe I could be … your boyfriend? If you want to?”

“What about wither and die? What about … snogging other girls?” 

The Doctor groaned in frustration. “Honestly, she snogged me! I mean, I didn’t exactly push her away, but … who’s great at your time? That Hugh Grant fellow. What if he’d kiss you? Would you stop him?” 

Fair point, Rose had to admit. Well, she would push Hugh Grant away, she sure would. But maybe not instantaneously. “Right …” 

“As for the part of seeing you age … Well, … who knows if you can tolerate me until then? And if I have to lose you someday anyway, … Since I’ve already … Since I … I can’t un-love you, you know. So one day it will hurt. One day I will lose you for good if to death or to you no longer loving me or … There is no running away from that pain. Believe me if there were a way I would try. So if I can’t escape that moment … maybe … we could make the most of the time until then?”

Her eyes shone with tears, but a small smile spread across her lips. “I’d like that.” She only kissed him lightly, but still that had to be enough for the day. Her thoughts were still a mess and Mickey was still gone before she could apologize and … everything was still so weird and new and different. But at least she had her Doctor back. And he wanted her, not Reinette. Not anyone else. So in the end, things were good. It would just take time to process everything. But they had a whole lifetime for that, right?


End file.
